Feeling better

After my last post, I am feeling much better. I am seeking the face of God more and more. I truly do not want to feel the way I do about infertility. What I have recently learned is that, children were never made to be ours and never will be ours(well I knew this, but it's more of a reality now). They are ultimately God's children and always will be. Yes he gives us a gift in the form of a child, but still they are his children. I cannot MAKE God give me gift. Never will I be able to. Just like you could never force me to give a gift to someone. It's up to me to choose to give a person a gift. Just like children, it's God's choice whether he chooses to give me a gift of a child. I cannot persuade him to give me anything. I can ask, I can always ask, but it still lays in the hand of my father and his choices for our lives. This may sound like I am making God sound awful. No, No that is not what I mean at all. My father has giving me 9 precious children. He has brought my children to me in a very special way. If I were to haven given birth, My 7 children probably would not be here with me. My goodness, I would never wish for these children to be anywhere other than with us :) You see, if I would have never began foster care, I know where I would be. I would be selfish, never would I have had to rely on my God more than I do now. I cannot in any way take care of these children without my Father's hand on my life. I wish to not even think any furthur about where my life would be if we would have gone a different direction.
     I do, I really do pray that God will bless me with a child. I hope one day we will have a biological child. But I will not partake in IVF treatments (again) as the Lord has convicted me not to do that. So I will choose to bring a frozen baby into this world to have a chance at life. I cannot wait to do this. I am very excited. I do know that it still is in God's hand whehter he chooses to keep the life of our adopted embryos growing in my womb. I pray that he will choose us to be parents of our adopted embryos. Nonetheless, if it doesn't happen, at least we brought these children out of a frozen state of being and into the arms of Jesus.
     I am still praying that God will bless us with the finances to be able to get on the waiting list by Nov. 7th. We need $1600 to do that. I know that the Lord can work it all out for us. Meanwhile, I just keep getting more and more excited, and also very impatient, hahaha. It's hard waiting, especially when you have been infertile for SO many years. It becomes a little hard to wait :)

New Direction, Infertility

So for awhile my blog may be taking a different direction. I really want to blog about our journey through infertility. It won't all be about that, but lately I have been consumed by it. I know that there are others who are going through infertility as well, and I know the very dark feelings that haunt me and I am assuming others who are going through it also experience those very awful dark feelings too. I ask for encouragment, and prayer and if you choose to leave an opinion, I ask that you think about the position that I am in before you post an opinion. Some may not agree with my thoughts and thats o.k., but guess what, the are very real. I am not going to act as if I am just fine. No really I am not. With that being said toaday will be my first post about infertility.

You know, being infertle is agonizing to say the least. It's something that I never wish upon anyone. It is a very dark place to be in. I feel stuck, I feel jealous of those that can have a child. I experience envy at times, oh yes I do. You know the bible talks about those very things. But it's true and real. Am I proud to feel like that, absoulutly not. I don't want to feel that way. But these feelings creep up and sometimes I cannot control it. Being infertly and being a christian is also hard. No I am not going to turn my back on God (although I have wanted), but it's hard. It's funny (well not nessacarily funny, but hurtful) to me that those who have conceived and birthed children are so quick to say, pray and God will give you the desires of your heart. Seriously, do you know how many times in the past 8 yrs of trying to conceive, I have prayed, I have been on my knees begging, I have been flat on my face before Jesus asking, over and over again to bring me a child. Oh my goodness is the pain so very real. The yearning to become a mother is so overwhelming. Some might say well, you already have children. Yes I do and I love them with all my heart, but still I am infertle. My desire to have a child consumes my being on a daily basis. The pain of not having a child consumes me on a daily basis.
     What can I do about this? Just continue to do what I do everyday and confide in my Savior. There is nothing I can do, and yet the pain still stays with me as we are best friends. There is so much more to say, but that enough for now.
     I am however excited to begin our Embryo adoption journey. It seems so far away and I really don't want to wait. I am not a very patient person when it comes to this aspect of my life. The clinic we will be using for our precious embie babies is inGrand Rapids. We used this clinic when we did our IVF in Oct of 2008. The only bad part is that our clinic has a 10 month waiting list. We need to have a certain amount of money to be put on the waiting list buy November. We are praying that we can have all the money for the entire process in November so it can be paid for in advance. It is an exciting thing and I continue to pray that the Lord will bless us with a child through embryo adoption.