So for awhile my blog may be taking a different direction. I really want to blog about our journey through infertility. It won't all be about that, but lately I have been consumed by it. I know that there are others who are going through infertility as well, and I know the very dark feelings that haunt me and I am assuming others who are going through it also experience those very awful dark feelings too. I ask for encouragment, and prayer and if you choose to leave an opinion, I ask that you think about the position that I am in before you post an opinion. Some may not agree with my thoughts and thats o.k., but guess what, the are very real. I am not going to act as if I am just fine. No really I am not. With that being said toaday will be my first post about infertility.
You know, being infertle is agonizing to say the least. It's something that I never wish upon anyone. It is a very dark place to be in. I feel stuck, I feel jealous of those that can have a child. I experience envy at times, oh yes I do. You know the bible talks about those very things. But it's true and real. Am I proud to feel like that, absoulutly not. I don't want to feel that way. But these feelings creep up and sometimes I cannot control it. Being infertly and being a christian is also hard. No I am not going to turn my back on God (although I have wanted), but it's hard. It's funny (well not nessacarily funny, but hurtful) to me that those who have conceived and birthed children are so quick to say, pray and God will give you the desires of your heart. Seriously, do you know how many times in the past 8 yrs of trying to conceive, I have prayed, I have been on my knees begging, I have been flat on my face before Jesus asking, over and over again to bring me a child. Oh my goodness is the pain so very real. The yearning to become a mother is so overwhelming. Some might say well, you already have children. Yes I do and I love them with all my heart, but still I am infertle. My desire to have a child consumes my being on a daily basis. The pain of not having a child consumes me on a daily basis.
What can I do about this? Just continue to do what I do everyday and confide in my Savior. There is nothing I can do, and yet the pain still stays with me as we are best friends. There is so much more to say, but that enough for now.
I am however excited to begin our Embryo adoption journey. It seems so far away and I really don't want to wait. I am not a very patient person when it comes to this aspect of my life. The clinic we will be using for our precious embie babies is inGrand Rapids. We used this clinic when we did our IVF in Oct of 2008. The only bad part is that our clinic has a 10 month waiting list. We need to have a certain amount of money to be put on the waiting list buy November. We are praying that we can have all the money for the entire process in November so it can be paid for in advance. It is an exciting thing and I continue to pray that the Lord will bless us with a child through embryo adoption.
2 comments:
You will be in my prayers, I do understand partly, I had Margaret and she was my blessing but she wasn't with us very long, and well Morgan was a opps, a very wonderful opps but a opps all the same, I hemorraged, I was on bed rest, I went thru weekly test from 9 weeks on, I had surgury at 20 weeks, I had testing the first 3 months to make sure she was ok because of the blood clot that laid on her head, I took 10+ pills a day to keep her, there was alot of stuff I was not allowed to do, I wouldn't change a thing, and after her I wanted more but was never able to, I believe anyone that wants to have a child should beable to, it is a blessing, a wonderful experience that I would have never changed for anything, and now Im blessed with a child that was birthed by another woman, who doesn't relize the gift she has, and to me he is no different than one I had myself, well a few less stretch marks, I pray that everything will work out and you will be blessed to carry a child, but remember if you don't you have all those beautiful children you carry everyday in your heart and head, you are a wonderful mom. Paulette
I love you!!! And pray for you and your family constantly. I wish I could do something more. Just keep your eyes on Jesus. He is our comforter.
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