I literally know what it feels like when all the air is sucked out of a room in a few short seconds. I know because I was the one who sucked every ounce of air out of that patient room today trying to gain some perspective on what I was was seeing and lack of what I wasn't hearing on the ultrasound machine today. The look on my doctors face is one that I wish I can forget. I wish everything today was just a dream and I can wake up and know my baby is still cozy in my womb. But, you see it's real. VERY raw and VERY real. It happened, it's not a dream.
I have realized today that I will never feel my baby kick. I won't know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I will never hear the wondrous sound of my babies pounding heartbeat. I will never give birth to my child. My baby will not be here when they told me Jan 30, 2012. How can this be happening???? I am again, without child, and fighting to be like all the other mothers out there who can give birth. I am no longer pregnant. Well pregnant until my body naturally does what it needs to do for this baby. For almost 10 long years I have yearned to be pregnant and my baby vanished in an instant.
I have a very real realization that life is so short and can be gone in a flash. I have gained a greater insight that my beautiful children that are with me could be gone in an instant. We aren't guaranteed life for forever. Lord forbid anything ever happen to my children. But it makes me appreciate them and love them to the very core of my being. Yes, I already do love them to the very core, but I mean this is real. We are only allotted the time our Father chooses for us.
My God was with me today. He comforted me in a big way. I knew he was there holding me along with my husband. He loves me. He loves my unborn child more than I could ever dream of. He is an amazing Father. He knows my sorrow. I will bring him glory through this situation. I know not his plan for my life or my children's life or my unborn child's life. My baby isn't frozen anymore (if this was our embryo baby) and is rejoicing with the angels today. If nothing else, I was able to bring my baby out of the freezer and into the arms of Jesus. I wish with all my heart, I could hold my baby. To kiss his/her sweet face. To smell the sweet smell of my baby. To embrace my baby, I have longed for, for so many years. Not this time, I won't have that chance with my baby, but I know my Jesus is doing all of that for me. I can't explain why I won't see my baby this side of heaven, but I do know that I can take comfort in my Jesus as I grieve this tremendous loss. So I wait again.
I can with a slight smile say that I was pregnant for at least 6 weeks. I was able to experience some pregnancy things. And with that I can say thank you Jesus for allowing me 6+ precious weeks with my little one. I pray and ask for your comfort and to bring me peace in my situation.
Until next time.....
Kristy
2 comments:
Oh, momma. I want to cry, I want to whine, I want to beg and plead and bargain with God for this, for you...but I know completely that He is faithful, and that's it's all for His glory. But it sucks in the meantime. It just plain sucks. I love you, I love you, and I want this so very much for you - to feel and experience all of the pregnancy stuff for yourself. You were so wonderfully eloquent in expressing your feelings in this entry; I love that you know you're not without comfort and that you're willing to allow God to be glorified through your circumstances. I love you, I'm praying for you, and if I can do anything - as you've said to me so many times - please let me know.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage December 10, 2001 and I still think and dream of that baby...
Post a Comment